


I am Not Who I Say I am

by choccy__o



Series: Mellohi's Dream SMP Shorts [2]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Coming Out, Dysphoria, Friendship, Gender Dysphoria, Panic Attacks, Ranboo my beloved, Trans Character, Trans Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), no beta we die like l'manberg, supportive tubbo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:33:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29479239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choccy__o/pseuds/choccy__o
Summary: Ranboo has a bad morning. A call with Tubbo reassures him.Or, gender dysphoria is a bitch and Tubbo is too pure.
Relationships: Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo
Series: Mellohi's Dream SMP Shorts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2142720
Comments: 12
Kudos: 327





	I am Not Who I Say I am

**Author's Note:**

> content warnings: Gender dysphoria, female anatomy, unsafe binding, periods (blood, cramps)

Saturday was the day that Ranboo always looked forward to. It was a peaceful day of no obligation. He had all day to do what he wanted: to stream, to talk with Tubbo, to just enjoy a day to himself.

However this particular Saturday, Ranboo woke up with a tight searing pain across both his abdomen and chest. It was familiar, but in his groggy state Ranboo couldn't place it.

See, when one first wakes up, all common sense flies out the window. And for thirty whole seconds, feeling some of the worst pain he ever had, Ranboo truly believed he was dying, living his last moments. Until he finally shifted his position and he could feel the wetness pooled around him, and glancing down at his sheets made his eyes widen as he suddenly broke into sobs.

Reality crashed down onto the boy, as he sat up, and the pain in both areas increased enough to earn a screech, his vision going white for a moment.

While his first realization, made clear by the smears of dark red staining his sheets and jeans, made him want to throw up because his body was wrong, the second realization sent him into an even deeper panic. 

The night before, he had fallen asleep on call with Tubbo, discussing the week's streams. The two had decided that today was the day to do a chill stream on the smp, collecting resources and answering donos. Ranboo had been so excited that he let himself get sleepy, talking late into the night, and Tubbo, ever patient Tubbo, hadn't woken him when he fell asleep.

However, this also meant that Ranboo hadn't taken off his binder, which he was wearing to school all day, meaning he had been wearing it for… almost twenty four hours with no breaks. His ribs screamed at him for release, and the boy didn't know which was more urgent: the need to peel off the tight article of clothing or the mess beneath him.

He decided that his ribs were more important than his sheets, and he scooted himself down to sit on the hardwood floor, leaning against the side of the bed. At least now the newer blood would be easier to clean off the floor. Ranboo grimaced, thankful that he no longer lived with his parents.

Ranboo closed his eyes, taking a deep breath that made his lungs feel as if they would burst, and shimmied off his large hoodie. Moving his arms above his head produced a shrill cry, and the boy collapsed on the floor, binder still on.

Fuck.

It took almost five minutes for him to get the courage to sit back up, debating whether or not it would be easier to pass out on the floor. But ultimately he would wake up again in even more pain, which was objectively not ideal.

Slowly but surely, he grit his teeth and peeled off the restricting binder. He sighed in relief, no longer being squeezed to death, but the sight of his chest made him gag, the sobs coming back. Ranboo frantically pulled the oversized hoodie back on, ignoring the scratch of the fabric on his chest in favor of addressing the pain lower on his body.

He dragged himself to the bathroom, closing his eyes as he cleaned himself up, changing his clothes and taking some painkillers.

He avoided looking in the mirror.

For most of the day, Ranboo laid in misery on his bed (with changed sheets) and debated whether or not he should cancel the stream. It wasn't anything important, but he and Tubbo were both excited as it was the first chill stream they had done in a while. And cancelling would make Tubbo suspicious, as Ranboo hadn't come out to anyone yet. It wasn't like he could say oh yeah, by the way I have tits and I'm currently bleeding from my vagina and everything hurts! Sorry I lied to you hahaha!

That was his biggest reason for not coming out to anyone yet-the knowledge that he had lied to them the entire time Ranboo was friends with them would definitely make them mad. He knew at least all of the SMP members were fully supportive, but he still couldn't shake the guilt that came along with his secret.

He was pulled from his thoughts when his phone rang, a discord call from Tubbo. Fuck.

He almost declined it, but he broke on the last ring and hit the answer call button. 

Tubbo's cheery voice crackled out of the phone speaker.

"Ranboo?"

"H-" Ranboo had to clear his throat, a voice crack threatening to happen from the panic in the morning. "Hi Tubbo."

"You still on for the stream today big man?"

He sighed, still not having come to a decision. But another wave of pain hit him and he closed his eyes, resigning his fate.

"Yeah… about that. I'm not feeling too well."

"I see that."

Ranboo opened his eyes, confused, before he met eyes with the pixelated face of Tubbo on his phone screen, traveling further down to see himself, disheveled hair and hoodie-

-and his binder wasn't on.

He screeched, smacking the button to turn off his camera. Fuck, if Tubbo had seen…

"Don't worry dude, I've seen your face before!" Tubbo laughed. Maybe he didn't notice? That was lucky. Discord did tend to compress the video enough to make it blurry, and his hoodie was quite big.

Either way, he felt himself lose control of his breath, fingernails painfully digging into his clenched hands.

"Ranboo?"

"Sorry. Sorry… I… sorry."

He focused on grounding himself, but if he opened his eyes he would see his chest that Tubbo had to have seen, and it would remind him that he wasn't actually a boy, he was a girl, pretending to be someone she wasn't, she was just confused-

"Ranboo? I need you to breathe for me. I don't know what's going on but you need to breathe."

-she had female anatomy because she was female, that was the point, all of the panic was fake, it was for attention-

"Ranboo?"

"Sorry. I uh… can't really breathe right now." He tried to laugh, but it came out as a sob, his shoulders beginning to shake and make his cramps even worse. Another reminder that he wasn't a real man.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm here."

Tubbo's voice was comforting, and with more reassurance he forced himself to breathe, to unclench his hands, and to wipe his tears away.

"Do you wanna tell me what's wrong? If not it's totally fine-"

"I'm trans," Ranboo blurted out, covering his mouth and widening his eyes. He really just said that out loud didn't he? If felt nice, but at the same time he had given all of his power to the British boy, who could expose him in a moment.

"Oh okay! So you're a girl? She/her?"

"No!-" He yelled, then covered his mouth again. "Sorry I- no. I'm already transitioned. I uhm. I have a female body. But I'm a boy. A dude."

He grimaced, glancing towards the screen where Tubbo still sat. The other boy showed a bit of confusion, but nothing too negative.

"Ranboo, thank you for telling me. I will always support you, no matter what."

With that, Ranboo burst into tears (happy tears? He couldn't tell) which made Tubbo giggle.

"Thank you Tubbo, thank you so much, I haven't told anyone other than my parents and I- We don't talk anymore -but you're the first person to support me-"

"Ranboo, you're valid no matter what you were born as, you are literally the coolest person ever. Don't doubt yourself big man. Also don't worry about the stream, we can reschedule. Do you wanna hang out for a bit still?"

Ranboo smiled, wiping his tears away for the nth time that day.

"Yeah, sure. Is- is it alright if we just talk for a while?"

"Of course big man."

The two boys talked about everything, from the Dream Smp lore to Tubbo's dinner, to Ranboo's past. Each thing he shared with Tubbo made him feel lighter, and more valid, and more like a boy than ever. It was nice.

He didn't realize he was drifting off, hours later, when Tubbo suddenly spoke up.

"Are you wearing a binder right now dude?"

He groggily shook his head, which was in view of the phone plugged in next to him.

"Alright."

Ranboo heard Tubbo shuffle around, presumably plugging in his phone and getting under the covers as well.

"Goodnight Tubbo," He whispered.

"Sweet dreams, Ranboo my beloved."

Ranboo giggled.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact this is quite literally named "I am angry and dysphoric ranboo vent fic" in my Google drive
> 
> sorta had a situation like this happen to me today n so this is a vent fic for me. not feeling too great
> 
> Thank you for reading, my loves. Comments and Kudos always make me smile!
> 
> Love you guys, stay safe and healthy <3
> 
> also come talk to me on tumblr @mellohi-s  
> \\(･◡･)/


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